Jesus Turned Water Into Wine; Coppola Turned Wine into Megalopolis
45 minutes into Megalopolis, the man next to me, the editor for this very article, was sound asleep—and I couldn't blame him. Throughout the film, various old-man characters preach at you sluggishly as the movie wobbles from theme to theme. Megalopolis is partially about parenthood, romance, climate change, grief, kindness, democracy, and power; by affording such little depth to each branch of thought, it ends up feeling like there’s no single cohesive thought behind it. Sitting in those cramped Granoff auditorium seats, I couldn’t help but be dazed and confused by the convoluted plot. It’s hard to avoid the headache of so much ambition flaming out like Icarus.
I wanted to love Megalopolis. The legendary Francis Ford Coppola, director of The Godfather and Apocalypse Now, sold his famed winery to invest $100 million into a movie with a star-studded cast: a movie that no studio would touch for fear that it was too elaborate for audiences. He’s worked on Megalopolis since the 70s, it’s to be his magnum opus! Sounds good, right? Incredible? No. It’s ass. The costumes and sets are impressive, as is the CGI. But the dialogue–oh boy, the dialogue. Heavily improvised, there’s no rhythm to the disjointed script and characters seem to just say whatever. I’m watching NFL Redzone right now and they have a better script than Coppola did. Get Scott Hansen up there and let him riff about how we could all live in a utopia if we just chose to make a change! Big 3rd down coming up.
Coppola loves his cultural references in Megalopolis. Characters are named after figures from Roman history, like Cicero, Catalina, Caesar, etc. Driver recites at least four lines from the Hamlet “to be or not to be” soliloquy. I thought it might be a bit or something. Couldn’t tell. I have to respect Adam Driver’s attempt to salvage Coppola’s lifelong passion project by suavely swooshing his Batman-style cape. He did that about eight times. Megalopolis really should’ve been a comedy. It kind of is? There’s some tongue-in-cheekness interspersed with terrible drama and zero tension. The best bit of the whole film is when Shia Labeouf throws his hat down, orders his 2nd-in-command to pick it up, who then orders the 3rd-in-command to pick it up, starting a literal chain of command. Heh.
I’m just gonna review this thing as a comedy now. Hold the phone! This movie might be a banger! Driver’s character asks his cheering fans “where’s my vodka?” and tells a nepobaby to “go back to the cluuuuub”. An Elvis tribute singer belts out “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”. A pop singer sings at a fundraiser to support virginity. Lines like “What is mankind? What is time? What is courage?” are hilarious because Aubrey Plaza just shot someone in the ass two scenes ago. It’s the absurdly incoherent preachiness that made this movie feel just like talking to a friend’s grandpa. Yeah, they’re rambling, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t get a few zingers in there. Still, in between the chuckles, it’s a lot of frustration. Speaking of frustration, don’t get me started on–oh brother–where do I even begin? The plot alone is getting me riled up. They start the movie by revealing that Driver can stop time. A little hokey, sure, but intriguing. Then–get this–the rest of the way he only uses it to do interpretive dances. At one point he gets beat up and just lets it happen. No time stoppage. Yeah, cool powers, dude. Meanwhile, I was wishing I could fast-forward time to the end of the movie. Megaflopolis. Dammit, I’m back to reviewing this thing as a drama. Back aboard the hate train.
Francis Ford Coppola’s still one of the greats. No doubt. But what are we doing here man? Megalopolis will give you a real, physical headache with how many aphorisms they throw at you: “there’s no fear of the future if you have love”. But hey, that’s nice, I guess. In a peak-16-year-old poetry way. It’s nice he dedicated the movie to his late wife. Hell, some of these moments might even strike a chord. But probably not. 3 out of 10.