The Pecking Order
Surf’s Up is a work of art, giving us a captivating story about surfer penguins on the surface and a profound commentary on human desire. That is, the profound desire to become a sick surfer. It also has a much, much worse younger half-brother by the name of Surf’s Up 2: Wavemania, the result of a regrettable one night stand Sony Pictures had with, of all entertainment groups, WWE.
The goal of this article is not to analyze the genius and subsequent stupidity of the two films though;it is to establish a much needed definitive ranking of every single surfer in the Surf’s Up Cinematic Universe (SUCU). I should also add that as a member of the esteemed Brown Film Magazine and a bad surfer, I feel professionally obligated to base my rankings unbiased and solely based on athletic ability, impact on the sport, and dedication to the game. That’s to say, we must all put our personal feelings about each of these characters aside, because hard decisions will have to be made for the sake of the sport.
Tier ∞: Maybe Stay on Land for Now
I felt the need to mention the SUCU characters who did not have much of a chance to shine. For one, even though we never see him surf, Reggio Belafonte is a lock for this tier as chief kook on Pen Gu Island. His commentary is so poor that I was wishing for them to just play actual sea otter sounds instead. Additionally, and this one pains me a little, but we have to include the kids, Arnold, Kate, and Smudge. While they show much growth throughout the movies, it’s like they exist to constantly be on the verge of drowning. Also, me personally, I would never emotionally recover from Tank Evans pushing me straight into an oncoming wave.
Tier 2: Just Not Good Enough
Consistency matters in surfing. Have these surfers gotten their big waves yet? No, but they’ll be damned if they’re not out there when the swell comes in. In this category, I’m throwing in Rory Nubbins surfing out of Bells Beach, Australia, Renato from Bahia, Brazil, and Tatshuhi Kobayashi from Kugenuma, Japan. All talented surfers who’ve earned their place, but they need more opportunity and time to enter the top tier.
Tier 1: Legends
Now, we get into what everyone is waiting for: the cream of the crop. To get extra detail into the specific strengths of these athletes, I’ll be using a canon rating system introduced in Surf’s Up 2 by SPEN (Sports Penguin Entertainment Network), which scores surfers based on Waves, Radness, and Overall Rating. Thus, for the Hang 5, the scores are canon, but the rest have been retroactively applied to other surfers.
10. Lani (3 Waves, 2 Radness, 3 Overall)
Lani is not a conventional pick, but her resume speaks for herself. Lead lifeguard at the largest surf event of the year, a nomination to the Hang 5, a trusted equal to Cody Maverick in their joint surf academy. While she doesn’t take unnecessary risks with the ocean, in an emergency, she is braver than anyone if it means saving a life. And she can more than catch a wave, showing us glimpses of professional greatness.
9. J.C. (4 Waves, 5 Radness, 3.5 Overall)
J.C. stands for John Cena. Unfortunately, you did read that right. The Hang 5 are all inspired and voiced by WWE Superstars. I’m serious when I say Surf’s Up 2 was a garbage fire. While he brings a unique energy to the Hang 5 and is objectively talented especially when it comes to airs, his class of strong, imposing surfers is dominated by other stars. I’m consistently unimpressed with his performances, not bringing the types of moves he needs to in order to rank higher on this list.
8. Mr. McMahon (4 Waves, 3.5 Radness, 5 Overall) His style represents an older generation of surfers
While McMahon has clearly had an impact on surfing, being the leader of the Hang 5 team, his style is not as timeless or talent-filled as is the case for most others ranked higher than him. While he has ridden extreme waves more than anyone, he maintains a careful and strong approach to waves, leading to underwhelming tricks representing a different generation of surf. It is also difficult to separate him from his “fish milk” comments, yikes.
7. Paige (3.5 Waves, 5 Radness, 3.5 Overall)
There is arguably no one else in the SUCU who is able to make the tight turns that Paige consistently makes. With quick snaps and sharp turns, she leaves no section unridden. Her reflexes and line-adjustment makes her a threat on mid-sized waves, and she’s also shown herself to be capable of riding monster rogue waves in the Trenches on the Hang 5.
6. The Undertaker (4 Waves, 4 Radness, 4 Overall)
Undertaker is clearly a legend of the sport. He has seniority over most in the Hang 5 despite maintaining a timeless smooth yet powerful style. He excels at deep tube rides, precision, and casual exits in massive waves. He falls slightly lower on this list due to dying, although for reasons slightly outside of his control (a bolt of lightning) and having to be revived by his mentee Chicken Joe using a jellyfish as a defibrillator.
5. Hunter (4.5 Waves, 3 Radness, 4.5 Overall)
Strong. Wild. Gnarly. Aggressive. These equally describe Hunter and the waves he likes to catch. Hunter does not play around. Fans of power carves and layback snaps know that Hunter is unbeaten in sheer control over the ocean’s heaviest hitters.
4. Cody Maverick
A local hero in Shiverpool, Antarctica, Cody Maverick is a scrappy competitor who has proven himself in the big moments. While his technique is not as refined as others, he shows the most athletic growth in the SUCU, becoming a world class surfer and even being invited to join Hang 5. You also have to love his mentality, always happy to jump right into the next big challenge without fear. Nevertheless, he has given up wins and major opportunities for sportsmanship, the love of the game, and a desire for a simple life, which means his accolades are just not enough to put him in a top 3 spot.
3. Chicken Joe
El. Pollo. Loco. He’s not the fastest or the strongest. He doesn’t get the biggest airs. Hell, he barely realizes he’s surfing half the time. His greatness comes from the beauty of his effortlessness. It doesn’t matter how massive the wave is, he’ll catch it all the same. In fact, his signature no paddle drop in has had an impact on the surf community outside of the SUCU, which speaks to the smoothness of his style. He’s also this talented in spite of being way too high to be in the water.
2. Big Z
Big Z is considered the GOAT by many. He embodies a soulful surf style, older than time itself. He excelled at long, clean breaks. A true master of the carve, keeping it rhythmic and powerful, never rushing, and staying in tune with the ocean at all times. Nevertheless, he cracked under the pressure. His decision to fake his own death in the moment of most pressure shows that despite his inspiring career, he cannot be the GOAT.
1. Tank Evans
The most controversial pick of the list: Tank Evans is undeniably a heel. The Djokovic of the SUCU if you will. However, what he is missing in humility, he makes up for in surfing. His dominant yet smooth, powerful yet agile, and smart yet gnarly style makes Tank the most dynamic surfer in the world. Additionally, he has the accolades: 9 straight championships. Enough said. I can already hear the fans yelling, “how about his subpar performance in the Trenches in Surf’s Up 2?” Even ignoring the obvious fact that the filmmakers clearly have a gripe against Evans, cherry-picking one bad performance, with almost every other surfer on this list having plenty of wipeouts, is just not enough to convince me. He still has room to grow, but to have made that much of an impact, and with a Hang 5 slot likely opening up in the coming years, I believe Tank Evans will only continue to solidify his place as king of the Surf’s Up Cinematic Universe.